I remember once working with a woman who found it really frustrating that someone in her office loudly ate rice around lunchtime every day, and her metal fork would constantly be hitting against the bowl. And she was so annoyed by it, that she was actually going to go out and buy a wooden fork for this person.

When you think we spend half our waking life at work, if there’s someone who really gets under your skin, it’s crucial to cross that divide.

We’ve probably all worked with people we don’t like, but really? You hate them, you actually hate them? That takes an enormous amount of energy and it makes little or no difference to them. If they’ve really done something totally illegal or horrendous, there’s probably much better remedies for it.

Most of the time, we find that people want to avoid having a conversation with the other person because they dislike them, but if you don’t talk about it, it won’t get better by itself. So, some people try to put it off and develop coping mechanisms, but it rarely makes the situation much better …… and soon it’s years down the line and you’re still in the same boat, hating this person.

It doesn’t have to be like this. A bit of short-term pain, i.e. a difficult but open and honest conversation with the person you dislike, can bring a long-term gain.

We get people telling us we’re intimidating when we think we’re really cuddly, or telling us that we’re shy when we consider ourselves thoughtful and serious. So, think about what you give off to other people.

Here’s Ali. He’s very bright. He’s quite young, he’s very highly educated. He’s just got a great job, so he’s sent to a conference and because, as well as being bright, he’s rather modest … … he decides that he’ll keep quiet, pretty much, and he’ll just observe what’s going on and listen to people who are more experienced.

The people around him, who have heard how bright he is and how well-educated, see him being a bit restrained and a bit withheld and start to think, “He’s a bit aloof.” “He doesn’t rate us.” “He thinks he’s too good for us.” And so, they start to freeze him out. We end up with a situation where everybody’s misunderstanding each other, and nobody is getting the benefit of their different abilities and experiences.

Ask questions and seek to understand the other person’s viewpoint. Then, show them you’ve understood their viewpoint by summarising back to them what they have said – an incredibly powerful little tool for building rapport. Too often, people just try to persuade others of their case, but if you show that you’re open to listening to the other person and genuinely want to understand where they’re coming from …… you’ll have a much more constructive conversation.

I remember once in a mediation where one person shouted at the other, “You’re a pathological liar!” Now, I don’t have a problem with someone saying that if that’s how they feel, but I do actually with how it’s worded. If you tell someone they’re a liar, they’ll automatically disagree. We all would. But if you calmly point out that on this occasion and this occasion they have lied to you, you can have a conversation about it without them getting as defensive.

It’s probably not personal.

Remember that you don’t have to learn to like the person that you’re in conflict with – you just have to work with them.

Be willing to challenge your assumptions and then learn from that. Welcome other’s ideas and approaches.

Be yourself, be open, be honest about your own strengths and contributions.

The really great thing is if you’re doing those things, not only does it diminish that feeling of dislike and make you better at working with people, but you might actually get to enjoy working with them.

(End)

• Waking (adjective): the time you are awake, not asleep.
• To get under someone’s skin (idiom): to annoy someone.
• Crucial (adjective): very important.
• To cross a divide (idiom): to overcome a large difference or problem between two groups.
• Horrendous (adjective): awful, terrible.
• A remedy (noun): a solution, a cure, something to solve a problem.
• To get better (phrase): to improve.
• To put something off (phrasal verb): to postpone or delay doing something.
• A coping mechanism (noun): a strategy to deal with a problem or something difficult.
• Down the line (idiom): in the future, later.
• To be in the same boat (idiom): to be in the same situation.
• I.e. (abbreviation): that is, in other words.
• Open (adjective): honest and not trying to keep things secret.
• A gain (noun): an increase in something.
• Intimidating (adjective): making you feel frightened or nervous.
• Cuddly (adjective): affectionate, soft, inviting for a hug or cuddle!
• Shy (adjective): timid and nervous, uncomfortable with other people.
• To give off something (phrasal verb): to emit, to produce a sound, smell or sensation.
• Bright (adjective): smart, intelligent.
• A conference (noun): an event at which there are a group of talks about a particular subject.
• Pretty much (idiom): almost completely.
• Restrained (adjective): reserved and withheld, acting in a calm and unemotional way.
• Aloof (adjective): not friendly, distant, not willing to get involved in something.
• To rate something (verb): to judge the quality or ability of someone or something, give a score.
• To freeze someone out (phrasal verb): to be unfriendly and stop someone being involved.
• To end up (phrasal verb): to finally be in a particular situation or place.
• To get the benefit of something (phrase): to get an advantage/ positive result from something.
• To seek (verb): to try to do something.
• To summarise something (verb): to express the most important facts or ideas in a short form.
• Rapport (noun): connection or agreement between people.
• To persuade someone (verb): to make someone agree or do something by talking to them.
• Genuinely (adverb): really and honestly.
• Where someone is coming from (idiom): the feelings someone has to cause that opinion.
• Constructive (adjective): a positive, useful or beneficial purpose.
• Mediation (noun): the process of trying to find a solution to a problem between two people.
• Pathological (adjective): unable to be controlled, done as a habit.
• To word (verb): to phrase and express in a certain way.
• To point out something (phrasal verb): to make a person notice or see something.
• Willing (adjective): to want to or be happy to do something if it is needed.
• An assumption (noun): something you think is true without proof or asking any questions.
• An approach (noun): a way of thinking about or doing something.
• To diminish (verb): to reduce, to make less.

In this text, there are lots of examples of phrasal verbs and some interesting examples of word order in phrasal verbs.

Phrasal verbs consist of a verb plus one or two particles (prepositions or adverbs such as: on, in, up, to, etc.). The particle changes the meaning of a verb:

‘You played badly last night.’ (play = to engage in sport or games); ‘You played up last night.’ (play up = to misbehave, behave badly)

There are two types phrasal verbs: separable and non-separable.

Separable phrasal verbs: are transitive (they take a direct object): you can put the object between the verb and the particle, OR put the object after the verb and particle:

‘Please turn the light off’ OR ‘Please turn off the light’. Both ways have the same meaning.

But when the object is a pronoun (e.g. it, you, me), the pronoun must go between the verb and the particle: ‘Please turn it off’ NOT ‘Please turn off it’

Separation is more common in spoken English when the speaker stresses the particle: ‘Turn the light OFF!’

However, when the object of the sentence is long (more than 4 or 5 words), we tend to keep the verb and particle together: ‘Please turn off any equipment that may interfere with landing.

Non-separable phrasal verbs: are sometimes intransitive (they cannot take a direct object): ‘My car broke down’; ‘I like to eat out on Fridays’.

Other non-separable phrasal verbs are transitive and can take an object. If they have a preposition as a particle, the phrasal verb is always non-separable because the object has to come after the preposition: ‘He stepped on a banana’ NOT ‘He stepped a banana on’ = Step on + object.

Sometimes, the direct object of a transitive phrasal verb may appear earlier in the sentence: ‘The only thing (object) you care about (phrasal verb) is money.’   ‘The problem (object) she brought up (phrasal verb) was never resolved.’

Remember, phrasal verbs with two particles are normally inseparable, even if the object is a pronoun:  ‘He looks up to me’ NOT ‘He looks me up to’  ‘We should cut down on it’ NOT ‘We should cut down it on’

Examples in the text:

• … she was actually going to go out and buy a wooden fork for this person: ‘go out’ is an intransitive and therefore non-separable phrasal verb, in has no object.
• some people try to put it off: put off + object. ‘Put off’ is a transitive and separable phrasal verb. However, as it is used here with the pronoun ‘it’, the pronoun must be used between the verb ‘put’ and the particle ‘off’.
• … think about what you give off to other people: give off + object. ‘Give off’ is a transitive but non-separable phrasal verb. The particle ‘off’ is a preposition and must be followed by the object. However, the object here ‘what’ is fronted and comes earlier in the sentence.
• … they start to freeze him out: freeze out + object. ‘Freeze out’ is a transitive and separable phrasal verb. However, as it is used here with the pronoun ‘him’, the pronoun must be used between the verb ‘freeze’ and the particle ‘out’.
• We end up with a situation where …: ‘end up’ is an intransitive and therefore non-separable phrasal verb, it has no object.
• …if you calmly point out that on this occasion…: point out + object. ‘Point out’ is a transitive phrasal verb and is separable. However, in this case, it is followed by a that-clause, which can’t come between the verb and the particle (‘point that on this occasion out …’).

https://learnenglish.britishcouncil.org/grammar/c1-grammar/word-order-phrasal-verbs

#Work #Relationships #Conflict #BBCIdeas

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